Overcoming the Need for Approval
We’re always seeking approval from others. How we’re going to be perceived influences all the little decisions we make. When you get dressed in the morning or start a presentation, it feels impossible not to wonder what’s going through people’s minds. There’s nothing wrong with caring—it makes us human. But sometimes, it takes up too much space in the brain and we let other people’s negativity hold us back.
Seeking approval of a group is a desire as old as humanity itself. When we were a nomadic species, being part of the group wasn’t a luxury. It was essential to survival. People hunted, foraged, and traveled in groups. They protected each other in long nights when predators were out. Not being part of a group easily meant not having food or shelter.
The way we live has changed tremendously but our brains are still wired for this more primitive programming. We’ve lost most of the danger (and the sabertooth tigers) but we still feel a deep, persistent need to be noticed, accepted, and approved of by everyone we encounter. Social media has been both a blessing and a curse for us. We have the opportunity to connect with so many people who understand our life experiences and motivations. But we also face much more criticism, sometimes from totally anonymous people. It’s impossible to be liked by everyone and if you are, it may mean you aren’t being true to your desires. People are just too varied in their interests. Most of us understand this in our heads but have a much harder time reflecting it in our feelings. You can work to combat these difficult emotions and have greater faith in your own abilities with a few simple changes.
1. Look inside. You have the ability to be positive and complimentary to other people. You can see their accomplishments clearly and have kind words even when they don’t believe in themselves. Take some of that positivity and apply it to yourself. Be encouraging to you during self-reflection. Affirm daily the things you like about yourself. Don’t sell your contributions short, no matter how tempting your brain makes it seem. You might hear disparaging comments at different points as you pursue your goals. While you need to be open to constructive criticism to grow, always balance this with positive self-reflection. The internal drive strengthens when we start putting more value on ourselves. Psychology Today calls this a shift from our “essential nature”—the person we really feel we want to be inside—and the “ego self”—a façade we put up for others, driven by a strong need for approval. Be true to your essential nature when your search out your goals. Be your own cheerleader and always keep the essentials of what you want in mind.
2. Avoid Your Negative Bias. Unfortunately, it’s also natural for us to have stronger memories of negative occasions than positive ones. It only takes one hurtful comment in a hundred to change how you feel about what happened. Bad days tend to stick out in our minds more than good ones. The sting of any hurt lingers and resurfaces in the mind much more easily than joy. You can combat this by actively working to change your perceptions during those moments of serious negativity. When you remember a negative review, try to think of positive feedback you got on the same project. When you think about bad days, try to call into mind at least as many good ones. Flipping the script in your own head can train your brain to think more positively, which will lead to less influence by others on your own self-image.
3. Maintain an “Attitude of Gratitude”. If you’re stuck in a rut of criticism and self-doubt, start taking the time to consciously appreciate everything you already have. This can be material, like having a roof over your head or a car that will take you where you need to go. You may have personal relationships with friends and family that brighten your life. And you likely have accomplishments and talents that you take pride in, like getting a promotion or learning a new skill. I try to use some of my time in prayer reflecting on what I’m grateful for so that I don’t get lost in what’s missing. There’s something to be appreciated in every day.
Even though “Keeping up with the Joneses” is pretty cliche nowadays, it is alive more than ever thanks to social media. However, by being grateful for what you have, you will help keep your mind off of whatever everyone else has.
4. Avoid Social Comparison. One of the hardest ones to accomplish is also one of the most necessary. There will always be people who are better than you at something, especially the thing you want to be best at. Not achieving the highest possible level doesn’t diminish your actual talent. Not to mention, you can always improve your skill at different things. Practice takes time and increases ability. If you view your ability as fixed and beyond improvement, you’re much less likely to meet your goals than if you approached it as something you can change. Focus on yourself and your own improvement rather than using others as your yardstick. As long as you are getting better, you are succeeding.
5. Prioritize You. Too often, we let other people influence which goals we pursue and which we set aside. Social pressure changes how we dress, what music we listen to, what movies we watch, and how viable different career options seem. So often, this is what’s truly holding us back. We can hear the voice in our head, the voice of other people, saying that this dream is too big or too scary or too much and it stops us from making the leap. Pursue things that interest you. Take up an instrument, start a business, write a story—do what makes you feel the happiest. Not everyone will approve but it won’t matter if people turn their backs on you just because you want to try new things; you’ll simply be “doing you.”
You don’t have to start alienating people in your life in order to be successful. It’s still important to treat people with kindness and compassion. But, when it comes to your own path, seeking approval from others will slow you down. Know that other people’s judgments simply aren’t as important as they appear. Make goals that suit your needs and bring you happiness and you may be surprised by how your perception changes.
