How Over-Communication is Overkill (and What to Do About It)

We’ve all been there: We’re out with our friends, and you’re recounting an awesome anecdote, full of vivid details and subplots. 15 minutes into the story, you think you are crushing it and everyone is having a great time… until you finally look around. Half of your group has that glazed look on their faces, while the other half has their face completely burrowed in their phones. What the heck happened, you wonder.

Or how about this scenario?

You and your partner are in the midst of a heated argument. You go on, and on, and on, spewing a long chain of words (some of which I won’t list here) to vent your frustration and point out their shortcomings. As you finally begin to come off that adrenaline-and-anger-fueled rush, you realize something: Your partner has completely shut down, having not listened to a word you said the past 10 minutes!

Often this isn’t a one-time occasion. You find it is a reoccurring theme. Why aren’t people listening to me, you ask?

I understand. Sometimes there are so many thoughts running through your head at a mile per minute that it’s hard to keep them all to yourself. You find yourself dominating conversations, and sometimes the things that come out you wish you can have back. Or maybe someone (intentionally or not) says something to you that is misleading, wrong, or is something you just do not like.

I distinctly remember that guy in the office that just talked your ear off. As soon as you got into an engaging conversation with someone else, here comes Tom from around the cubicle to take over.

Oh, Lord, I would think. Not Tom…

I would intentionally begin staring at my phone or my computer screen, hoping vainly that he would take the hint.

He didn’t.

Just recently, someone on Quora.com asked me how they can solve their own over-communication problem and communicate more efficiently. Thus, here is my answer:

There are two things that you must understand. First, communication is a skill. This means that not everyone is born with awesome communication skills, but more importantly that because it is a skill, it can be improved.
The second thing you must understand is that communication is a two-way street. There should be a healthy balance of talking and listening by the person speaking and the person receiving the communication. If one person is talking too much, the other person is likely to just tune them out, rendering your thoughts and words completely useless.

Here are some ways that you can avoid being so long-winded:

Be aware. The fact that you are asking this question means that you have some awareness of the problem. This is a good thing! Now, whenever you are talking with someone, make sure you are keeping track of how the conversation is flowing. Are they engaged? Are they responsive? Are they staring at the wall, at their phone, etc.? These may be signs that you’ve lost them, and you should wrap up your point quickly.

Actively listen! Shocker, right? But how can something so simple as listening to someone be so challenging? And what can you do about it? In your upcoming conversations, work on listening to what the other people have to say. Only speak once the person is finished with their thought, and try to ask questions about what they said, or make a comment that will push the conversation ahead. This will show that you are listening, and keep your mind engaged on their communication to you vs. the other way around.

Practice. Remember, listening is a skill, and skills need practice to develop. These things will take time, but the more you practice, the better you will become at listening. Along with the recommendation above, you can try two things if you seem to ramble a lot:

1. Perform some time trials. Get out your timer/voice recorder, and start speaking on a particular topic. Try to make your point within a given time limit (i.e. 2 minutes). This will make you a better communicator, because the most efficient communication can sometimes be the most effective.

2. Join Toastmasters. Toastmasters is a wonderful organization that helps non-speakers become better at communication. You’ll have opportunities to become more proficient at both prepared speeches and impromptu communication (things that could definitely help in a job interview or a normal conversation with your partner).

With these tips, you will be off to a great start. Dominating conversations is a problem that you aim to solve. Now, you have a guaranteed way to improve!